


From Eden

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parenting, Character Study, Child Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fairy Tale Allusions, M/M, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-02 21:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10953462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: Let’s talk about Alexander Gideon Lightwood, about abuse and sacrifice and love. Let’s talk about a childhood of neglect, about pushing himself to be better than his parents ever thought he could, about having to push himself down and away in order to please them.Let’s talk about Alec Lightwood, a friend and a brother and aparabatai. The man who would fight, who woulddiefor his family. The man who would give up anything in order to keep his sister and his brothers safe, sacrifice happiness and comfort and even love to let them be happy.Let’s talk about Alexander, who met a warlock and smiled. Let’s talk about a stutter that never existed before, about vulnerability and trust and a touch to the shoulder.(I don’t think we’ve been introduced before. My name’s Magnus Bane. And you are?A hesitant smile.Alec Lightwood.)Let’s talk about love and heartbreak, aboutfollow your heartandtake my strengthandthe law is hard but it’s the law.Let’s talk about a shadowhunter.





	From Eden

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from song of same name by Hozier. Lyrics in fic are from "I'll Be Good" by Jaymes Young.

Let’s talk about Alexander Gideon Lightwood, about abuse and sacrifice and love. Let’s talk about a childhood of neglect, about pushing himself to be better than his parents ever thought he could, about having to push himself down and away in order to please them. **  
**

Let’s talk about Alec Lightwood, a friend and a brother and a _parabatai_. The man who would fight, who would _die_ for his family. The man who would give up anything in order to keep his sister and his brothers safe, sacrifice happiness and comfort and even love to let them be happy.

Let’s talk about Alexander, who met a warlock and smiled. Let’s talk about a stutter that never existed before, about vulnerability and trust and a touch to the shoulder.

( _I don’t think we’ve been introduced before. My name’s Magnus Bane. And you are?_

A hesitant smile. _Alec Lightwood.)_

Let’s talk about love and heartbreak, about _follow your heart_ and _take my strength_ and _the law is hard but it’s the law._

Let’s talk about a shadowhunter.

-

##  _I thought I saw the devil this morning  
__Looking in the mirror_

-

Alexander Lightwood doesn’t cry.

“Will you, Lydia Branwell, marry me, Alec Lightwood?”

For a moment, Lydia just stares at him, and for a moment Alec actually wishes that she’ll say no. Despite his desire to protect his family, his conviction to give everything for them, he feels a moment of regret. He’ll never fall in love, never get to touch and kiss a man. He’ll never get to receive pleasure from sex, get to experience intimacy within a reciprocal relationship.

(He’ll never get to kiss Magnus.)

Jace’s words burn through his head. _Maybe you’re not good enough._

Alec’s resolve solidifies. _I can be good enough. I can do this._

“Yes,” Lydia says, “Of course I will.”

 _Follow your heart,_ Magnus says, and so Alec does, ignoring the pain in his chest.

(Alexander Lightwood has always been a brother before he’s been anything else.)

-

_Once upon a time, a boy dreamed of meeting his prince, a blond knight in shining black armor. Over the years, he was told that he was wrong, that no little knight was meant to be with a prince. So he buried his heart in the basement beneath a tall, tall tower and promised himself that he would become a dragon, would become the protector rather than the victim, and that he would never, ever fall to love._

_Then, one day, he met a warlock who was everything that he was never supposed to be and then more, and everything changed._

-

##  _I’ll be good, I’ll be good  
__And I’ll love the world like I should_

-

Alec’s suffocating.

(This isn’t survival. This isn’t heroism. This is a bargain, plain and simple. Alec’s happiness, Alec’s life for Izzy and Jace and Max’s.)

 _I’ll do good,_ Alec promises as he wraps the wound in his shoulder. _I’ll be what I have to be, marry who I have to, to give everyone the happy ending they deserve._

-

_“After me, pretty prince,” the warlock says, stepping forward to head down the cave path._

_“I have this, Sir Warlock,” the brash knight says, stepping forward, “Allow me.”_

_The warlock’s gaze stops and turns back to look at the older prince, the princess, and the nymph. His gaze skips over the two girls to land on the prince, who blushes at the attention. “I was referring to you, Sir Prince, not to your younger brother.”_

_The prince tries not to smile, but he can’t resist it. No one’s ever looked at him like this before- no one’s ever made him feel like the wanted one, the desired sibling. It was always his younger brother, the gallant knight, or his sister, the brilliant and beautiful princess. Never him._

_It’s_ never _him._

_His younger brother casts a confused look at him and he’s forced to shrug._

-

##  _I never meant to start a fire  
I never meant to make you bleed_

-

“That’s why I proposed to Lydia,” Alec says, trying to remain calm.

 _(Be good,_ he reminds himself, _You’re getting married. You’ll be formal Head and not just acting. You have an Institute, a family to take care of._

_Falling in love has no point here.)_

He watches as Magnus’ face collapses. The warlock seems to shrink for a moment, every century making itself present in the way that his shoulders hunch, bearing the weight of the world.

Alec can’t blame Magnus for anything that he says. The shadowhunter knows what he's done- he doesn’t deserve to have the blow of Magnus’ disapproval softened.

“Goodbye, Alexander,” the warlock says, and Alec’s heart breaks.

 _Goodbye,_ he thinks, _goodbye to any chance of love._

-

##  _I’ll be good, I’ll be good  
__For all the times that I never could_

-

_(In another universe, a world without Shadowhunters, Alec has not been broken and reforged. He has not lived a life of neglect and repression, not had to sacrifice everything, all possibility of love, for his siblings._

_Clary looks at him and doesn’t see this, though. She just thinks that this Alec is far more fun to be around, far more open and caring. She doesn’t know him in the Shadow World. He doesn’t know what he’s had pressed into his mind, what he’s given up to be the perfect soldier his parents want._

_No one does, really. Any of Alec’s friends would look at the other Alec and think_ this is what should have been.

 _Alec would look at the other Alec and think_ this is what could have been.

 _Magnus would look at the other Alec and think_ this is what _never_ could have been.)

-

##  _I’ll be a better man today_

-

“Anything. Name your price,” Alec says, trusting Magnus not to be cruel. Magnus is many things, but he’s not vindictive. He won’t ask for anything that’s too much, anything that will hurt Alec more than he’s already hurt himself-

“You,” the warlock says evenly, eyes glittering, and the breath leaves Alec’s lungs.

 _(He can’t be this cruel,_ Alec thinks, a host of feelings seizing in his chest, _he can’t. I trust him to be more than this-)_

Then Magnus’ teasing smile returns and he quips, “In fact, I’ll do you pro bono.” It’s a terrible joke, but it does lift some of the crushing weight from Alec’s chest.

(For a moment, just a moment, he wants to accept. He wants to kiss Magnus, to make love to a man for the only time he’ll have an opportunity to in his life.)

(But he can’t. He just can’t. There is too much riding on him, too much for him to sacrifice for just the fleeting chance at his own happiness.)

He shakes his head, and Magnus’ ghost of a smile disappears.

“Then your bow and quiver.”

Alec gives him a jerky nod.

-

_“A kiss,” the warlock says, eyes twinkling, “From the prettiest boy in the land.”_

_“I can’t pay that,” the prince says, and the warlock nods, smile fading away._

_“I suspected as such,” he says with a sigh. The prince’s heart yearns to bring that brilliant smile back. “Well, then, my prince,” the warlock says, “I’ll take your ring.”_

_The prince breathes a sigh of relief. “Of course, Sir Warlock.”_

_“I told you that you don’t have to call me that,” the warlock teases with the familiarity of an old argument._

_“No,” the prince says, resignation in his tone, “I do.”_

-

##  _Grace is just weakness, or so I’ve been told_

-

“As promised,” Alec says, handing over his bow and quiver with only a moment of hesitation, “Payment in full.”

To his surprise, he doesn’t feel any resentment. He just feels a sense of resignation, a sense of bleak apathy. He can always get another bow. It won’t be as comfortable as his own, but he’ll get used to it. New bow, new wife- life will be different now, and he’ll have to learn to accept it.

Then Magnus stops and turns around. “Just so you know, Lydia was wonderful in court today.” He gives Alec a small smile. “She’s great.”

Alec smiles, a sense of ragged relief hitting him. “So you get it, then?”

Magnus’ face hardens. “No, Alec,” Magnus says, and some part of Alec misses the way _Alexander_ used to slip from Magnus’ lips, used to roll over his tongue like a beloved prayer. “I get her. I _like_ her. But that doesn’t mean you have to _marry_ her.”

Something in Alec hardens as well. “Yes, I _do_ , Magnus.”

“You’ll be lonely all your life,” Magnus says, and Alec barely stops himself from flinching. “And so will she. Neither of you deserve that,” Magnus continues, and then delivers the sucker punch to the gut: “And I don’t either.”

 _No,_ Alec thinks, _you don’t. So go find someone else, please. Be happy._

And then Magnus once again does something that shocks Alec: he hands back his bow. “Here,” Magnus says with the smallest of smiles, “I don’t really know what to do with these.” His gaze flicks up to Alec’s. “You keep it safe for me, okay?”

Something in Alec’s chest opens up. Magnus Bane isn’t one to give away things for free- he’s always been one to hold things close, to keep his cards close to his chest. This means something, something large and wonderful and _frightening_ , and Alec doesn’t know what to do with it.

Alec takes the bow and quiver with trembling fingers. Magnus gives him a small, knowing smile, then turns and walks away.

Alec stares at Magnus- and the place where he was- long after he’s gone.

-

_Once upon a time, there was a little prince who just wanted to be loved. His parents shunned him and eventually so did his siblings, though they returned quickly enough. The only person who never did was a warlock with golden cat eyes, a wise and handsome man who was nemesis to the prince’s parents._

_He unburied the prince’s heart from its resting place under the tall, tall tower and unlocked the box it rested in. He brought it back to the prince and said, “Take this, my prince. It belongs to you, no one else.”_

_The prince looked at him in shock. No one had ever told him such a thing before._

-

##  _I’ve been cold, I’ve been merciless_

-

Alec hears about the fact that a meeting is taking place between that new Shadowhunter girl, Hodge, and his parabatai, and instantly diverts his and Lydia’s pathway to check on them. After all, if they’re to be the heads of the Institute together then they both need an accurate idea of what’s going on, right?

They arrive just as Magnus (Magnus, why _Magnus_?) is standing up, the words “know when to fold” leaving his mouth, and Alec braces himself to see the warlock’s face again. Magnus faces him and his eyes widen when he sees Alec- but then cast down and away, as if wanting to avoid any interaction.

“Magnus,” Lydia says, lips curving up into a polite smile, “I didn’t know you were here.”

“That was kind of the point,” Magnus says, and something raw slips into his voice.

Alec swallows. He knows that Magnus was hurt by Alec’s betrothal to Lydia, but he’d thought that Magnus would be over it by now. After all, Magnus is kind and understanding to Alec, but he’s immortal. He’s powerful and handsome and the _High Warlock of Brooklyn_. There are plenty of people that Magnus could be with other than Alec- plenty of people he _should_ be with other than Alec.

(People who can love him the way he deserves to be loved.)

“We’re just on our way to meet a few representatives of the Clave,” Lydia says, “Who arrived early for tomorrow’s wedding.”

Wedding- that’s right. Alec’s been trying to avoid the implications of the word (intimacy, love, attraction) and has been thinking of it in other terms. A business deal, a move for protecting his family.

(A sacrifice, would be the most accurate term to use.)

“What’s going on here?” Alec asks, seeking to execute their original intent of coming here to this meeting (the one he’d planned on before _Magnus_ of all people showed up). “None of you mentioned that there would be a meeting.”

“Magnus figured out that Ragnor Fell was the warlock that bespelled my mom,” Clary says, “We’re just going to bring him back to the Institute.”

“How can I help?” is Alec’s immediate response, just as it always is. All he’s ever done, regardless of the logic of the situation, is to help Jace and Izzy. He’s tried to drill into them not to break the rules, not to disobey the Clave (because look where that’s gotten him now, marrying a woman who he’ll never be able to love if only to make up for their mistakes, for all of his family’s mistakes), but when they call- he’s there.

“We’re just recovering a warlock, Alec,” Jace says, a dismissive tone to his voice that has Alec tempted to roll his eyes, “We got this covered.”

“And besides,” Magnus jumps in, tone harsh, nowhere near the soft yet flirtatious tone he normally uses, and Alec swallows. The look in Magnus’ eyes is flat, hard, nothing like normal. “You have clave emissaries to meet. You don’t want to tarnish your family’s perfectly crafted reputation, do you?”

Alec thought he’d braced himself for this kind of harsh dismissal, but this isn’t something he can do easily. Magnus is the only person to never put Alec down, to never dismiss him because of his weapon or quiet personality or in favor of his siblings, like nearly everyone else seems to do. Magnus has never been cruel, never been vicious or mean, and this- this hard dismissal is something Alec couldn’t have truly prepared himself for.

“Again,” Lydia says, obviously sensing the tension (but Alec wonders if she realizes exactly what kind) between him and Magnus, “Lovely seeing you, Magnus.”

Magnus gives her a short smile and she, blessedly, turns and leaves. Alec follows her out, wanting to not to have to face Magnus again.

(Even Cupid can’t withstand an arrow to the heart.)

-

##  _For all of the light that I shut out  
__For all of the innocent things that I doubt_

-

Alec goes to Pandemonium that night after his talk with Jace. He knows it’s a bad idea, but he wants to see Magnus one last time before…well, before…

He meets Magnus’ eyes across the floor, and he doesn’t cry. He doesn’t say _I might be falling in love with you._ He doesn’t say _I miss you, and I will miss you._ He doesn’t say _I’ve made a mistake._

He stands there, watching Magnus, soaking in these final moments. When he takes the rune tomorrow, he’ll no longer be the Alexander Magnus knows, the one who smiles and stutters and flirts clumsily. He can’t be Magnus’s Alexander. His family needs him, just like he told Magnus. He can’t be Magnus’s Alexander, no matter how much he may want to be- he has to be Alec Gideon Lightwood, head of the New York Institute. Husband of Lydia Branwell, exemplary Shadowhunter, straight and rule-abiding and _good_.

His heart aches, but he turns and leaves anyway.

-

Jace’s dad was a dick- anyone can tell from listening to any of his stories. The abuse that Jace went through makes him the perfect mirror for Alec, the perfect patrol partner and _parabatai_.

(Physical abuse leaves scars, but so does neglect. So do insults and sneers and cruel remarks, put-downs and passing-overs. There are many different kinds of abuse, and very few of them leave physical signs.)

-

_Long ago, a witch had told the little prince that all that mattered was family. So what if he fell in love, that he might want something else? He was a prince, and all that mattered was duty, honor, and chivalry. Princes didn’t love princes, or serving boys, or warlocks. They loved princesses and noblewomen._

_(And besides, the witch was also a queen. The little prince’s mother. Why wouldn’t she be telling the truth?)_

-

##  _But the blood on my hands scares me to death_

-

His mother says “You’ve made me so proud,” and Alec tastes bile. If she’d said that a month ago his heart would have soared, would have warmed and flown into the sun, but now he feels nothing but regret and despair.

 _Not for you,_ he wants to say, _not anymore,_ but that’s a lie _._ This is for her as much as it’s for Jace, for Izzy and Max and even Clary. He’s giving them what he can’t have for himself- security. Happiness. Comfort.

His heart squeezes.

_(Love.)_

His mother’s words hang, knotting themselves into a noose in front of him, and he knows that when he steps up onto the altar he’ll hang himself with it.

-

_The witch’s spell is not one of eternal slumber- well, perhaps it is, in a way. A slumber of the heart, of the prince’s free will and want. She casts it every time before the prince can bury his heart beneath the tall, tall tower. She twists words of regret and fear into a spell that represses everything, turns the prince into a soldier and a puppet for her to manipulate._

_It isn’t necessarily evil, as the queen does not mean for her son to suffer, but it is cruel. To lock someone’s heart away, to convince them that they are wrong, that loving someone is wrong- that is a horrible spell, a terrible and cruel curse._

-

##  _For all of the bruises I’ve caused, and the tears_  
_For all of the things that I’ve done  
__All these years_

-

“Alec Lightwood and Lydia Branwell will now mark each other with the wedded union rune.”

Alec wonders what he looks like, in this moment, as Lydia lowers the stele to his wrist. Can others see the despair bubbling in his throat, the wish for death behind his eyes? Can they tell that his grim smile is that of a condemned man, that there’s a noose tightening around his neck that he can’t cut away?

 _I don’t want this,_ he wants to scream, _I thought I did, but this is too much, I can’t I can’t I can’t-_

But he will. There’s never been a question when it comes to his family- their happiness has always been worth more than his. Always has been, always will be.

He rolls up the cuff of his sleeve, exposing his wrist to the stele. He’s running on automatic now, just wanting this to be over by now.

_Just get it over with._

-

_Once upon a time, the little prince met a princess. She was beautiful, smart, capable- everything a princess should be. The prince realized that in order to protect his kingdom, he would have to complete the fairytale. He would have to marry her, even if he did not love her. He would have to ignore the strange, confusing feelings he felt for the warlock._

_He would lock his heart back up where it belonged, under the tall, tall tower, and leave it there forever. A true eternity, this time._

_But then the warlock came, seeking to break the witch’s evil spell, and everything came flooding back._

-

##  _For all of the sparks that I stomped out_  
_For all of the perfect things that I doubt-_  
_I’ll be good, I’ll be good  
__And I’ll love the world like I should_

-

Suddenly there’s the sound of footsteps and Alec turns to look, just a curious glance, and freezes when he sees who it is.

Magnus Bane steps into the chapel and Alec can’t breathe anymore. _You idiot,_ he nearly sobs, looking at Magnus in all his glory, decked out in red and black like he’s entering a war zone, _You wonderful, beautiful idiot._

Others are talking, but he doesn’t hear them. All he can take in is Magnus, standing there.

 _(You don’t risk anything._ Alec can hear his own words echoing in his ears and he wants to take them back, because this- _this_ is taking a leap. This is recklessly, insanely brave.)

His lungs squeeze and he realizes that he can’t breathe.

“You okay, Alec?” Lydia asks, and Alec looks at her. Really looks, takes in the gold wedding dress and the Lightwood family necklace around her neck. For a moment he thinks about her becoming the next Lightwood family matriarch, sees little children with her blue eyes and his dark hair running around. He thinks about forcing himself to kiss her, to touch her intimately. He thinks about living a lie, about growing old with a woman he admires but doesn’t love.

 _That’s not the kind of life I want to bring children into,_ he thinks, and he knows he’s made his choice.

“I can’t breathe,” he says, hands trembling ever so slightly, and to his relief Lydia nods.

“It’s okay,” she says, but that’s not what he wants.

(It’s not what he _needs_.)

He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I can’t do this. I thought this was the right thing, but-”

“It’s fine. You deserve to be happy,” she says with a small smile, and he knows that she understands. Shadowhunters have one great love, are meant to fall deeply in love only once, and he knows that she’s already had that happen to her. “It’s okay,” she continues, “I’ll be fine.”

Alec turns to face Magnus, to face them all. He takes in his mother’s face, stone-cold, as well as the perplexed faces of Clave emissaries and the pleased expressions of Clary and her mundane. He doesn’t glance back to see Jace or Izzy’s, though, because his gaze gets caught up in Magnus and-

He steps down one stair, takes a deep breath, and walks forward. Magnus’ eyes widen. A jolt of excitement runs through Alec at the idea that he can surprise such a wise man, especially one who has seen as much as Magnus has. Even his mother calling after him does nothing to slow his stride, determination in his gait.

_This is it._

He grabs Magnus’ lapels and pulls him in, smashing their lips together.

_Beautiful. Wonderful._

Eventually Alec has to lean back to breathe, and Magnus’ lips chase after his. Then he snaps back, as if wary of going too far, and Alec thinks _Fuck it._

_I don’t care anymore._

He leans toward Magnus, pulling the warlock in once again, and catches Magnus’ lips in his.

_I want this._

_You’re worth this._

_(I love you.)_

-

_True Love’s Kiss has many magical properties, but the most famous of which is its ability to break spells of slumber. There’s a famous tale, you know, of a dark-haired, pale-skinned virgin who was awoken from a spell cast by her mother when she was kissed by the man of her dreams. The poisoned apple fell from her throat, the witch’s spell dissolved, and the princess and her lover lived happily-ever-after._

_The prince and his warlock lived happily-ever-after…that has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?_

_(And who knows? Maybe there will be another wedding someday soon.)_

_-_

##  _Maybe I’m waking up today_


End file.
